NOT me honey....

Seorang banduan baru saja berjaya melarikan diri dari penjara setelah dipenjarakan selama 20 tahun. Dalam perjalanannya, dia terjumpa sebuah rumah dan memecah masuk kedalamnya untuk mencari duit. Tetapi yang ditemukan hanyalah sepasang pengantin baru yang sedang tidur di atas katil mereka.

Banduan itu mengarahkan pengantin lelaki turun dari katil dan mengikatnya dikerusi. Kemudian sambil mengikat pengantin perempuan dikatil, banduan itu mencium lehernya, dan terus bergegas ke bilik mandi.

Sementara banduan berada di bilik mandi, pengantin lelaki berbisik kepada isterinya: “Isteriku, dia adalah banduan yang melarikan diri dari penjara. Lihat saja baju yang dipakainya, dia mungkin sudah lama dipenjara dan tentu sudah lama tidak menyentuh wanita.

Dari cara aku lihat dia mencium lehermu, dia ingin melakukan hubungan seks denganmu, jangan menolak, jangan mengeluh, lakukan sesuai dengan keinginannya,berikan kepuasan. Orang ini merbahaya, jika marah, dia pasti membunuh kita. Jadi bertahanlah sayang.. Abang cintakan ayang..”

Sambil tersenyum, pengantin perempuan membalas, “Dia bukannya mencium leherku. Tapi dia berbisik ke telingaku. Dia cakap, dia ni homo dan katanya abang seksi sekali dan dia bertanya dimana saya simpan bodylotion? Saya jawab di bilik mandi.

Saya rasa dia ingin melakukan hubungan seks dengan abang, jangan menolak, jangan mengeluh, lakukan sesuai dengan keinginannya, berikan kepuasan. Bertahanlah sayang. Ayang cintakan abang juga.

 

Pheonix; kah..kah... malangnyer lelaki itu..

Take 5

1. Losing all your friends 

Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says “If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.”

2. Brother wanted

A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,”send me a brother”….

Santa wrote back, “SEND ME YOUR MOTHER”….

3. Meaning of WIFE

Husband asks, “Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means ‘Without Information Fighting Everytime’!”

Wife replies, “No, it means ‘With Idiot For Ever’!!!”

4. Importance of a period

Teacher: “Do you know the importance of a period?”

Kid: “Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.”

5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential? “

Dad says, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that’s confidential! “

6. Anger management?

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?”

Wife: “I clean the toilet.”

Husband: “How does that help?”

Wife: “I use your toothbrush

Pheonix; hahaha...

Cute Coincidence

Pheonix; haha...very cute...especially no.1

Funny Egg

Pheonix; Telo pun diorang buat camne...hikhik..tapi lawak gakkan

Pengalaman pertama jadi saksi di Mahkamah

Ini kisahnyerr...

Aku kene jadi saksi dalam satu kes di Mahkamah mewakili company tempat aku keje, so dari pagi aku dah ready...smart giler...lengan baju siap butang... siap ngan tali leher..member aku cakap jaga imej company walaupun kebanyakan masanya aku nie sempoi... lengan baju slalu lipat cam samseng..ikut ajer lerr.. Rimas gak tetiba kene berpakaian corporate

Process sebelah petang dalam kol 3...tapi kiteowang punctual...be ready.. pastu melangkah masuk ke Mahkamah buat pertama kalinyer... pandang kiri pandang kanan macam rusa masuk kampung...nervous siot... nasib baik tak ramai orang...

Yang Arif pun masuk.. sume kene berdiri...jika tidak di anggap menghina Mahkamah... lepas sessi introduction.. lawyer yang mewakili company aku pun panggil aku untuk ke kandang saksi... Yang Arif meluluskan...dengan penuh debaran dan rasa bangga aku melangkah... jalanku atur penuh yakin dan karisma ku tunjukkan pada hadirin..

Sesampai di kandang saksi... aku bersemuka dengan jurubahasa Mahkamah... perempuan lagi.. dan ayat pertama yang keluar;

'Boleh bagi Kad Pengenalan?'

Soalan tu membuatku terasa jantungku bagai di robek...

'Halamak.... Taaak Baaaaawaaaakkkk'

Aku dah mula mati kutu dah...muka dah Blushing dah... aku rasa macam dah nak lari keluar dari bilik tu dah...member aku dah tepuk dahi dah... yang gelak pun gelak....

DI sebabkan Yang Arif tengok aku dah tak tentu arah... dier kata... oklah... bagi nama penuh, alamat dan jawatan...

Legaler sikitkan.. ingatkan bala dah abis.... pastu

Jurubahasa tu suruh aku angkat sumpah ikut kertas yang di beri... aku pun baca dengan penuh semangat.... nak cover balik salah yang tadi... konon....

Satu lagi bala sampai... aku salah baca... dia tulis SUCIHATI aku baca SUKACITA.... lagiler haru.... dah bagi kertas pun salah baca gak... apa nak jadi aku pun tak tahu.. kalo orang kampung tahu... mana nak letak muka...hahaha

Alhamdulillah.. pastu dah ok dah... abih jer... kiteworang pun jalan keluar... member aku dengan yang lain gelakkan aku tak hengat.... aku nyer story nie bakal jadi bahan gelak seumur hidup member aku....kahkahkah...

Pheonix; lain kali jangan segak sangat.... tah apa - apa tah kau buat nanti..hahaha

POEMS FOUND IN TOILETS

THE 'FUTURE' IS IN YOUR HAND, HOLD IT GENTLY'

Excellent poems but not so famous poets.....

Found on toilet doors and walls...
A budding poet trying his best...
Here I lie in stinky vapour,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger .

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...
Here I sit
Broken hearted.
Tried to shit
But, only farted .

Someone who had a different experience wrote:
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think
.
There are also people who come in for a different purpose...
Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But, I come
Here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls.....

Toilet's walls also double as job advertisement space.... (written high upon the wall)

If you can piss above this line,
The Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance..

And finally, this should teach some a lesson... Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.

Pheonix; lough till cry...hahaha

On Leave

Actually aku plan nak ambik cuti panjang skit akhir bulan nie..sebab cuti banyak lagi... tapi... tengah aku nak apply... dapat satu email dari member aku... ngeri gak nak gi cuti....

Pheonix; kalo dah jadi macam niekan... baik berenti keje ajerr..

How to choose a bride, Malaysian style

A Mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son has not shown the slightest indication of getting married.. So one day she called him over to her house.

The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.

The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist- cum-Receptionist . He immediately commented: 'Aiyaa..... Mother, they always say...... PLEASE HOLD ON, HOLD ON..........'

The SECOND nominee was a leggy secretary. She was also rejected. Reason being: 'Aiyaa.... Mother, this one aaa..., Secretary always fond of saying 'PLEASE SLOW DOWN, SLOW DOWN........ '

By this time, the mother is nearing frustration. She called a sweet but plain-looking Teacher. The Son suddenly agreed!!

The Mother was surprised and asked: 'Why this one? The earlier two were a lot better looking!'

He replied: 'Teachers aaa.... Teachers very good, very good, always say: PLEASE REPEAT, DO IT AGAIN, I want it done 10 times.... SOME MORE, SOME MORE......!'

Her youngest son (10 years old), was listening quietly all this while at the other end of the room. Suddenly, he shouted: 'Brother.... Female mini bus Conductor much better laa.... they always say: 'NAIK CEPAT, NAIK CEPAT..... MASUK, MASUK....... MASUK LAGI, DALAM LAGI..... DALAM LAGI LAAAAH, MASUK BELAKANG..... . BELAKANG LAGI, BELAKANG BANYAK KOSONG.....'

Pheonix; moral of the story... jangan tanyer anak anda... biar dier pilih sendiri..kwang..kwang

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,

'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to getsome close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,

'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Life is short....... Someone said:
When you ASSUME = you make an ASS out of U and ME....

Pheonix; ending korang tahuler nasib kedua - duanyer

Sotong curi kamera video

GAMBAR menunjukkan seekor sotong sedang mencuri kamera video.

WELLINGTON – Seorang penyelam di New Zealand, Victor Huang yang sedang menyelam terkejut apabila seekor sotong mencuri sebuah kamera video miliknya, lapor sebuah akhbar semalam.
Kejadian berlaku semasa Huang, 31, sedang merakamkan gambar sotong yang mempunyai lapan sesungut itu di luar pesisiran pantai di sini.
Tiba-tiba sotong itu bertindak agresif menyebabkan penyelam tersebut pantas bergerak ke permukaan laut kerana menyangka dia diserang oleh haiwan tersebut.

Namun, dia kemudian menyedari bahawa sotong berkenaan mengikutinya kerana ia cuma berminat dengan kamera videonya yang berharga NZ$754 (RM1,719).

Sotong itu kemudian merampas kamera itu daripada Huang semasa dia bergerak ke arah permukaan laut.
Huang kemudian kembali ‘mengejar’ sotong itu selama lima minit dan cuba mengalih perhatian dengan senapang lembing.

Apa yang lebih malang lagi ialah sesungut sotong itu turut merampas senapang lembingnya tetapi ia melepaskan kamera video ke dasar laut.
Kamera video itu merakamkan insiden itu yang kini boleh dilihat di laman YouTube di Internet. – Agensi
kredit : kosmo.com.my

Pheonix; sotong pun dah pandai buat keje - keje tak senonoh nie

Do Not Park Here...

Pheonix: Naik teksi ajer lerr...

Inilah jadinyer kalo super impose

First time nengok gambar nie..burguling aku gelak..

Bagi aku ler... Mr. Bean nie boleh tahan gak photojenik... ko ubah jadi apa pun muka dier tetap maintain lawak....

Pheonix: Tak super impose pun dah memang lawak

Entahlah...nak nangis ker nak gelak

Pheonix: buat release tension